One of the toughest things to do as a parent is to see your child struggle with something. As a guidance counselor in my early professional years, I can remember offering advice as the "expert" to parents who were struggling with raising children. Wow, did I learn a lot about whether or not my advice was sound when I had my own children. Until I had my own children, I had no idea the huge chasm between what I "ought" to do and what "feels" right. I now recognize it as parenting with my
Logical Brain versus parenting with my
Emotional Brain.
My Logical Brain tells me what I should do based upon well thought out planning, establishing solid rewards for good behavior and consequences for bad behavior, using advice from people who have had good results in their own children and from experts that match up well with my own theories about human behavior, and allowing my child to learn from mistakes. The Logical Brain tries (mind you, tries) to drown out the calls from the other camp- the Emotional Brain, and make sound judgments without allowing the calls of irrational fears, hurt from a child's lack of need for me as she grows into an adult, or imposing my own goals for my child to drown out the healthy goals that he has for his life for the sake of my own pride.
My Emotional Brain recognizes the importance of relationship and longs for that to be maximized with a person who will soon be moving on from my day-to-day contact. It births intentionality into each moment and propels me to react to the needs of the moment, regardless of whether I fully know what to do or not. It calls me to the rescue. I have to be Superdad, not because my child needs it, as much as it is because I need to wear the cape for my own sense of worth. It begs me to give, without regard of merit, just give. It bids me to entertain so that boredom will not be uncomfortable for my child, but, more honestly, for me. The Emotional Brain screams at the Logical Brain camp to act- NOW!! with whatever brings back comfort and equilibrium when difficulty arises.
What a conflict. This reality is the same for every parent that I have ever known. Some parents live in one camp more than the other, but they all keep a toothbrush in each, metaphorically speaking. Face it, a little bit of each is needed in almost every situation that comes up in parenting. The danger lies in allowing the Emotional Camp to dominate our thoughts and approaches, as the emotional decisions that we make often turn out to be the ones we regret- over eating when I am hungry, buying the latest fade because I thought I deserved it, etc. It is so important to operate from the Logical Brain camp by being deliberate. Remember the definition of deliberate? de lib er ate-
adjective- done consciously and intentionally,
verb- engage in long and careful consideration. We need to consider whether or not rescuing a child from a difficult situation is the very best for him. Often the answer is a resounding "NO" from the Logical Camp and "YES, NOW!" from the Emotional Camp.
By rescuing my child, I have taken away the best part of mistakes- the chance to learn from them, and I always want to be about my children learning. It reminds me of the chrysalis. We also know this term as cocoon, where the caterpillar becomes the butterfly. A very important part of this process is when the freshly emerging butterfly begins to break out of its transformational chamber. The struggle is immense as it wrestles to free itself from the grip of its tightly wound shell, but it is from this struggle that the strength to fly is developed in its wings. It is the same with our own children- the struggle builds the fortitude that will carry them through the rest of their life. Without allowing the struggle, our children will not be ready for the next thing and may resort to nesting- not good. Incidentally, who made the shell that the butterfly had to work so hard to free itself from? Of course the answer is the butterfly, itself, in its early (uglier) state-of-being. Our children will make their own dilemmas; we must let them work it out so that they can become a better version of who they are, just like the butterfly. The long term effects are deeply satisfying.
Nice story, huh? I wish it didn't make my Emotional Brain writhe in anguish to see my child struggle. I wish that their mistakes didn't carry with it the dings that they do. For example, a C on the transcript will harm a HOPE GPA, and cost me more money in tuition, or a speeding ticket being paid for will allow my daughter to keep driving, thus saving me from the inconvenience of transporting her myself. The short term effects of rescuing him are edifying to me to be Superdad too. When a dilemma with my child comes along, I cannot escape the haunting question of whether I am making a parenting decision that feels good for my own benefit or whether I am making a courageously difficult, not-so-good feeling decision to experience the long term best for my child.
I want to encourage all of us to embrace the Logical Brain of parenting as we make decisions that will make great adults who are self-sufficient. In this world where so much is provided to our students without having to struggle for it, we are running the risk of sending kids into job interviews without the ability to manage their lives. This reality will ultimately make us look back on the emotional decisions we made to shield our students and wish that we had made the tough logical ones when we had the chance. After all, the 23 year old version of my child is one that I will want to look up to and admire one day, even if I have to wear out my toothbrush in the Logical Camp to do so.
As always, we are here to help you and your students to navigate through these formative years together. NOHS Guidance Folks are honored to be on the same team with you.
Mike Kulp
